I když zrovna Angličané jsou pověstní svým suchým humorem, který většina ostatních národů nechápe, jejich jazyku dnes musí rozumět takřka každý. Ať už tedy vyrážíte studovat do USA, Velké Británie, ale i ne-anglicky mluvících zemí, pobavte své spolužáky nejlepšími anglickými vtipy!
Jednoduché anglické vtipy
1. Chybová hláška
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2. Není sex jako sex
Name? – „Abu Dallah Salli“
„Sex?“ – „Fourtimes a week“
„No, I mean male or female?“ – „Male, female, sometimes camel“
3. Záleží na úhlu pohledu
If you are caught cheating at school, you are punished.
If you study at business school and you are caught cheating you are congratulated for showing inititiative.
4. Čísel je proč se bát
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because 789 (because seven ate nine).
5. Je to celá míle
What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
6. Těžká doba
What comes after the Bronze Age and the Iron Age?
The Heavy Metal Age, Sir!
7. Aspoň dneska
Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
Krátké anglické vtipy
8. Kdo nic nedělá, nic nezkazí?
Employer: You´re fired!
Employee: But I haven´t done anything! Employer: That´s why I´m firing you.
9. Všechno jde, když se chce
Boy: What must I give you to get a kiss?
Girl: Chloroform.
10. Dnes jenom na obhlídku
American tourist arrives at a German airport.
Immigration officer asks him: „Occupation?“
The American replies: „No, no, just visiting.“
11. Ještě lepší
A little boy asks a driver :„Could you give me a ride, please? I’m late for school.“
Driver replies:„But I’m heading in the opposite direction, son.“
Little boy:“Even better!“
12. Unesli ho
Teacher: „What happened to your homework?“ Jerry: „I made it into a paper plane, and somebody hijacked it!“
13. Rybář něco chytil
Friend: Have you caught anything yet?
Angler: Ah yes.
Friend: What?
Angler: A cold.
14. Nejdůležitější je produktivita
Boss to manager: How many people work in your department?
Manager: About half of them, sir.
15. Radši s cibulí
Customer: „I´ll have a hamburger, please.“
Waiter: „With pleasure.“
Customer: „No, with pickles and onions.“
16. Máte i barevný?
Waiter: „Would you like your coffe black?“
Customer: „What other colours you have?“
Anglické vánoční vtipy
17. Elfština
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
18. Málo si věří
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
19. Odkud je Santa?
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
20. Chlubí se cizím peřím
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anglická básnička na závěr
Mother holds her little daughter fourteen minutes under water. Not to make her an troubles, but to see the funny bubbles.
